But God knew men were hard-headed, and men weren’t gonna listen to women. See, I think God created women to guide men through life. Which I think is part of God’s great plan. These two guys were like, “Oh! Missed that one.” Now guess what? They own all of that too. And you know why every man wants a woman? Because women are in sole possession of the most valuable thing on the planet. If there is any war on women, it’s men fighting each other trying to get a woman. Nobody would have a war on women, because they would never win an election. They each blame each other for having a war on women, which is stupid. Now you hear this a lot in an election year like this year. Quit wasting valuable cookie dough on sugar-free cookies. You can do it but it ain’t ending in a smile. It’s like going to the drive-in movie by yourself. So, no more, no more picking up dog poop. And nobody in that church knew you had stepped in dog poop. Then you wore those shoes to church the next day. Then you would find a little bitty piece of stick… and you would sit down on the curb and you would pick it out of the zig-zag pattern on the bottom. Then limp over to the grass and do the brush-stroke, back and forth. Then you would find a puddle and you would swirl the bottom of your shoe around in the puddle. You would hobble over to the curb… and scrape the biggest part off on the edge of the curb. And when it was your turn, you knew what to do about it. And every day somebody stepped in dog poop. But when I was growing up we played in the yard every day. A kid hadn’t played in the yard since 1982! You know what’s sad? We have an entire generation that has no idea how to get dog poop off the bottom of their shoe. Lord, it’s not like some child is gonna step in it. The dog’s like, “Wait a minute! You’re taking it back home? Why did we have to walk three blocks? I could have pooped in the living room, saved us both some embarrassment.” What a stupid rule! Why would they have us pick it up? It’s fertilizer. So you drive through my neighborhood and there’s all these attractive women walking around with poo-poo-purses. If you walk your dog and your dog does his business in somebody else’s yard, you need to get a little plastic bag, pick it up and dispose of it. And they’re just trying to make the school kids laugh. Monkeys pick up their own and throw it but they’re kind of the comedians of the animal world. No other animal picks up another animal’s poop. I call them “no-more’s.”ĭay number one, no more picking up dog poop. And, seriously! So if I was running what I would do is use some common sense and start taking away some of the stupid stuff we don’t need. We have so much stuff now, we can’t even enjoy the people we love. And as I watch it, I think, that’s not really the problem that we have in America. I mean, like all y’all, I watch this stuff every day, and it amuses me that all these candidates, they just keep promising people more and more and more. I… I started to say I’m not qualified but this time around it doesn’t really matter, does it? Oh, my God! Well, here’s the deal. Well, I haven’t decided if I’m running for president or not yet. These are the kind of things we think about. He can’t stay on the seat, you know! It’s like… And he can’t walk home because if he farts, he’ll have a trail of bubbles behind him and little kids chasing him and trying to pop ’em. Sixty applications of jelly! There is no way this guy can drive home from this event. You know, when they check it and– Maybe the women don’t know this but they got the glove on. And I’ll tell you why, because every week this woman has to go out to lunch with her friends and her friends are like, “Well, Inez, what is Billy doing now?” “Well, he is working all the time but he said it is wearing his ass out.” And here’s the other thing I got to thinking about. I’m thinkin’, “You’re not doing this for the money, are you?” And here’s the deal. And that over the last forty years he had his prostate checked thousands and thousands of times. He said, he had been doing this for 40 years. So my brother told me, last Thursday, she called home to let him know that that day had been “prostate check day”. And then in your fourth year you kinda specialize. So in your third year you have to do everything. His oldest daughter is in medical school. Wait, we do, we call the thing the “We’ve Been Thinking” tour because as we think about stuff we either have to get a psychiatrist or we need you to help us work through it, all right?įirst example, and this one’s pretty recent, last Thursday. And I’m so thankful you showed up tonight because we need you. How are you? So awesome to be here, the beautiful Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jeff Foxworthy! When you start doing what Jeff and I do this is the kind of digs you get at these big events.
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